I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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