My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
