the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
