I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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