Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
