he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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