Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
