i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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