I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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