does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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