I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
