Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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