True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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