so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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