i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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