Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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