im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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