Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
