Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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