Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
