Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There are leaves in my underwear?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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