My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
