I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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