Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
where are my eyebrows?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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