As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
