I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
