people are starting to question the shark bite story
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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