i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Alive.
So much puke
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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