there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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