You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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