We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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