I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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