We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
