I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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