the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
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I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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