I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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