Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize