who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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