I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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