K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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