just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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