my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
