he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
