The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
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So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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