I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
