So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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