What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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