i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
