I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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