He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
