I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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