why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
