Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
