The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
