Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We named our party play list daddy issues
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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