He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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