i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
