need another drink. this is the easiest way
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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