I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
3 2 1 whiskey
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
