Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
