I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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